The days are heating up and that means one thing: butt cheek season is upon us.
I was recently out shopping for shorts, having come to the realization that my own butt had expanded past the limits of all my previous pairs within the past year. I dragged my boyfriend along with me, thinking that we would endure this together. Within a few minutes, he had selected three pairs of shorts and was ready to purchase them without a try-on.
What kind of voodoo is this??
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the extraordinary concept of quantifiable sizing. In men's clothing, length and waist combine to create a simple, concrete plan for practicality. How comforting it must be to be able to rely on consistencies in time and space! The universe, in its quiet assuredness, smiles down upon the male shopper with the promise of logic and reason.
But for those of us who are not as lucky, I have created a sizing guide to various retailers to help spare you endless trips to the dressing room. Remember, size is just a number, and numbers are just vague human conceptions of random separations in interrelated matter!
Forever 21
Sizing at Forever 21 begins at a double zero, which is about as real a number as the concept of immortality. While the rest of your body may expand in size, note that the technology to widen arm holes and sleeves has apparently not been invented yet, so I usually add a few sizes just for the guns (although, when it comes to summer wear, you may want to put these on display, especially given how much concealed carry laws by state). True to its name, a try-on session here will have you forever searching for the nearest place to get a stiff drink.
Primark
In an echo of our colonialist past, Primark will constantly remind you that it is in fact European by shunning American sizing systems. Take your typical size and multiply it by the number of Ford pickups you have seen so far that day. Then subtract by the number of blond models in the store in order to quantify your worth by white beauty standards.
H&M
Recite the "Cool Girl" speech from Gone Girl to yourself under your breath as you grab random items from hangers. All of the shirts have incorrect French phrases on them. Question if you are in fact where you think you are. Stand in the dressing room naked while you break zipper after zipper. Nothing is real.
Target
Remember that Mossimo exists, although you have never heard the brand name said out loud. Try and pronounce it. Give up and buy cool closet dividers you'll never use instead.
Good luck, shoppers!